The following articles may provide some help to you and open a door to Christ's healing power and counsel. Each one begins with a boldface underlined title.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO LIVE IN GRACE?
1. It means serving GOD because HE has fully and permanently accepted us
through JESUS CHRIST, not because we want to gain HIS acceptance or
become more pleasing to HIM through our works.
2. It means motivating CHRISTians to live for GOD out of love and thankfulness
rather than guilt or duty.
3. It means believing firmly in the Biblical absolutes, but rejecting attempts to
legislate the CHRISTian life through human rules,especially rules that apply to gray areas.
4. It means accepting people at their current level of spiritual growth and development, just as GOD does, then encouraging
them to grow in an atmosphere of grace.
5. It means creating an environment of honest and transparency beginning with the leadership, which models GOD's love and
6. It means placing the primary emphasis of the CHRISTian life on inner motivations rather than outward behavior.
7. It means refusing to deny or minimize the pain that comes into our lives because of our own sins and failures of the sins and
failures of others; rather, it means viewing pain as a means of experiencing GOD's grace and help.
8. It means following the relational style of JESUS, WHO accepted and forgave sinful, lost people, even though they may have
9. It means interpreting the Biblical commands as describing a mode of life befitting someone who has already been accepted by
GOD, not as laws that bring us more merit with GOD.
10. It means being humble enough to acknowledge the "insufficiency of your own self-sufficiency" and to ask for and accept
CHRIST's sufficiency for the problems GOD has permitted in your life.
You Know You Don't Understand GOD's Grace When You
* Live with a vague sense of disapproval
* Feel reluctant bringing your needs before HIM when you've failed
* Are counting on HIM to make up the difference between the best you can do and what He expects
* Feel you deserve to be blessed because of your hard work and sacrifice
* Assume you've sinned so many times you've used up all your "credit" with GOD
* Believe GOD frowns when HE thinks of you
* Can think of someone you look down on
* Think of obedience as something you do to get something you want from GOD
* Fear the day might not go as well as expected because you forgot to have your quiet time
* Assume you can do something to make HIM love you more or less
* Believe HE can't use you because you've made too many mistakes
* Feel like you are on probation
* Make vows to be a better person
* Feel disappointed with yourself a lot
You Know You Are Beginning To Understand GOD's Grace When You
* Allow GOD to love you even after doing something unworthy of that love
* Expect to be blessed even though you know you don't deserve it
* See GOD's chastening as HIS kindness, not as punishment
* Look with compassion on others caught in sin
* Sense GOD's smile as you approach HIM
* Stop trying to be a good person, and start trusting HIM to change you
* Do something just to please HIM, not to gain HIS favor
* Know you're forgiven when you come for the thousandth time to confess something
that you told GOD you would never do again.
SOME THINGS YOU WILL DISCOVER DURING COMPLETE THERAPY SESSIONS AND SEMINARS
How to find the answers to "Life's 4 Greatest Questions"
How to find the answers to "Life's Greatest Mystery"
How to find the answers to "Where the MISSING LINK is Found"
How to identify the "real" person in you and the "I"mposter posing as you"
The Subtle Symptons the "I"mposter uses to steal you real "I"dentity
How to "Handle an "I"dentlty Crisis" before it handles you
Man's "12 Basic Needs" and how to get them met immediately16 places we look
for Love and Life from birth until death
How to "I"dentify & Satisfy the Longing That You Have Longed to Satisfy For
How to "Get to What's Getting to You"
The Differences Between a Life Change and a Life Exchange
The "Whys and Ways of ULTIMATE REALITY"
The "Whys and Ways People Use to ESCAPE ULTIMATE REALITY"
The Real Reasons for Reason and the Reasons People Don't
Mastering Your Mind Before it Masters Your Mouth
How Feelings Affect Your Fillings and How Fillings Affect Your Feelings
Why You Should Praise GOD for Stress and How to Handle It
Using Mind Control For Manners Control
The True Meanings of "Intimacy and Ecstacy" and the Effects of Both
How Positive and Negative Fears Affect Our Behavior
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Fears But Were Afraid to Ask
How to Conquer Your Worst Fears "Once for all...Again and Again"
A Pair of Lies That Paralyze the Unwise
How Lies Paralyze and TRUTH Energizes
How to Get Along With Almost Everybody Almost All of the Time
"Spiritual Schizophrenia...How to Talk to the Voices In Your Head"
Why So Many CHRISTians Believe Only Half the Gospel....Most of the Time"
How So Many CHRISTians Get "Holes in their Holiness"
Why GOD Causes and Allows Problems and Suffering In the Lives of HIS Children
How to Successfully Fail and Why You Really Need To
How to Solve All Your Problems But One
Living Proof That You Know More Than You Think You Do
THE 12 AXIOMS OF BELIEF THERAPY BY DR. PAUL CARLIN
1. Man was created to see things from GOD's perspective. GOD-like thinking was necessary for the dominion management
CREATOR GOD gave to man.
2. People do what they do because they believe what they believe (Prov 23:7; Mark 7:6-23) The source of destructive
consequent behavior is our belief system.
3. JESUS established the Belief Therapy process in Matthew 5-7 when HE said, "You have heard it said....but I say unto
you." HE exposed a lie or half-truth and replaced it with the truth.
4. A lie is just as strong as the truth if you believe it. People are made free from the bondage of a lie when the lie is identified,
exposed, and replaced with the truth. (John 8:31-36)
5. Man is a sinner by nature, by choice and by practice. Eve chose to believe satan's lie (Gen 3:1-13; Romans 3:23)
6. GOD is always right! When what man believes is in conflict with what GOD's Word says , GOD is the AUTHORITY and HE is
always right. (Isaiah 55:7-9; 2 Peter 1:3)
7. Belief is the most powerful healing value known to man. (Luke 18:27)
8. The mind is the battlefield. (Romans 12:2)
9. Positional Truth is the fundamental principle essential to a constructive,
healthy, and GODly personal identity. Positional Identity Disorder (PID)
is the man's most common disorder. (Col 2:9-10; Col 3:1-4; Rom 6)
10. ALL ADDICTION is identified in the Bible as bondage.
(Rom 1:21-23; Rom 6:14-18)
11. Life-controlling problems have a spiritual root regardless of a possible
organic disorder. (John 9:1-7)
12. In the presence of cognitive dissonance, a person must perform an emotional by-pass procedure and act upon the
truth whether he/she feels like it or not. (James 1:8)
HE EXCHANGED HIS LIFE FOR CHRIST'S
(Copied from old booklet Crisis Experiences in the Lives of Noted Christians published by Moody Press)
Hudson Taylor had been a toiling, burdened missionary to China, until he possessed "the life that is CHRIST." From then on, he was joyous, his ministry was powerful.
"He was a joyous man NOW, a bright happy, CHRISTIAN. He had been a toiling, burdened one before, with latterly not much rest of soul. It was resting in JESUS now, and letting HIM do all the work--which makes all the difference."
Thus spoke a fellow missionary of Hudson Taylor.
The pioneer missionary in the interior of China, wh had come to full realization of the Savior as the ever-present, indwelling ONE, testified: "My soul is so happy in the LORD! And as I think of the blessing HE gave me on that happy day...I know not how sufficiently to thank and praise HIM. Truly JESUS is the great need of our souls. And HE is the great gift of our FATHER's love--WHO gave HIM "for" us , and makes us one "with" HIM in resurrection life and power."
The deep dealing of GOD with HIS children varies in detail, but the general
pattern in each individual case seems to be very much alike.Into each life
there arises an awareness of failure, a falling short of all that one should
be in the LORD.Then there is a definitemeeting with the risen SAVIOR in
utter surrender of heart, which is indeed death of self.There follows an
appropriation by faith of HIS resurrection life through the abiding presence
of the HOLY SPIRIT.As a result there is realized an overflow of life likened
by the LORD JESUS as "rivers of water" (John 7:37-39).
As a lad Hudson Taylor had come to know the LORD JESUS as his personal SAVIOR. In his youth he had been called to the mission field of China. For 15 years he had served earnestly and effectively in that land before he came into experiential possession of "the exchanged life". At the age of 37 he opened his heart to his mother in a long letter which expressed his innermost hunger and thirst:"My own position becomes continually more and more responsible, and my need greater of special grace to fill it; but I have continually to mourn that I follow at such a distance and learn so slowly to imitate my precious
MASTER.I cannot tell you how I am buffeted sometimes by temptation. I never knew how bad a heart I had.Yet I do know that I love GOD and lovc HIS work, and desire to serve HIM only and in all things. And I value aboveall things that precious SAVIOR in WHOM alone I can be accepted. Often I am tempted to think that one so full of sincannot be a child of GOD at all; but I try to throw it back, and rejoice all the more in the preciousness of JESUS, and inthe riches of that grace that has made us "accepted in the Beloved." Beloved HE is of GOD; beloved HE ought to be of us. But oh, how far short I fall here again! May GOD help me to love HIM more and serve HIM better. Do pray for me. Pray that the LORD will keep me from sin, will sanctify me wholly, will use me more largely in HIS service."
The human heart has no desires which GOD cannot and does not satisfy.The CHRISTian's greatest difficulty is to take literally the promises of the SAVIOR. Said the LORD JESUS: "If any man thirst, let him come unto ME and drink."We are told to come to HIM; not to some friend, not to some experience, not to some feeling or frame of mind.We are not even to come just to the Word of GOD (Bible); rather we are to go through that Word to the Person of the LORD JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF.
The way to heart satisfaction and rest of spirit for Hudson Taylor was learned from a fellow missionary, John McCarthy. In a letter to Taylor he wrote:
"To let my loving SAVIOR work in me HIS will, my satisfaction is what I would die for by HIS grace.Abiding, not striving nor struggling: looking unto HIM; trusting HIM for present power; trusting HIMto subdue all inward corruption; resting in the love of an almighty SAVIOR, in the conscious joy of acomplete salvation, a salvation "from all sin" (this is HIS Word); willing that HIS will should truly besupreme--this is not new, and yet 'tis new to me.I feel as though the first dawning of a glorious day had risen upon me. I hail it with trembling, yet with trust.I seem to have got to the edge only, but of a sea which is boundless; to have sipped only, but of that which fully satisfied. CHRIST literally all seems to me the only ground for unchanging joy. May HE lead us into the realization of HIS unfathomable fullness (Jn 1:16, Col 2:9-10).
The LORD used this letter literally to lead Taylor "into the realization of HIS unfathomable fullness". It was read in the little mission station at Chin-Kiang on Saturday, Sept 4, 1869. Taylor was always reticent about telling details of this transforming experience; but he did say,
"As I read, I saw it all.I looked to JESUS; and when I saw, oh how joy flowed!"His fellow missionaries said of him, "Mr Taylor went out, a new man in a new world, to tell what the LORD had done for his soul." As Taylor wrote to his sister in England, he recalled:
"As to work, mine was never so plentiful, so responsible, or so difficult; but the weight and strain are all gone. The last month or more has been perhaps, the happiest of my life; and I long to tell you a little of what the LORD has done for my soul. I do not know how far I may be able to make myself intelligible about it, for there is nothing new or strange or wonderful--and yet, all is new! In a work, "Whereas once I was blind, now I see...."
When my agony of soul was at its height, a sentence in a letter from dear McCarthy was used to remove the scales from my eyes, and the SPIRIT of GOD revealed the truth of our oneness with JESUS as I had never known it before. MeCarthy, who had been much exercised by the same sense of failure, but saw the light before I did, wrote (I quote from memory): 'But how to get faith strengthened? Not by striving after faith, but by resting on the Faithful ONE.'As I read I saw it all! 'If we believe not, HE abideth faithful.' I looked to JESUS and saw (and when I saw, oh, how joy flowed!') that HE had said, ' I will never leave you.' "Ah there is rest!" I thought. "I have striven in vain to find rest in HIM; I'll strive no more. For has HE not promised to abide with me--never to leave me, never to fail me?And , dearie, HE never will!
But this was not all HE showed me, not even one half. As I thought of the vine and the branches, what light the Blessed SPIRIT poured into my soul ! How great seemed my mistake in having wished to get the sap, the fullness out of HIM. I saw not only that JESUS would never leave me, but that I was a member of HIS body, of HIS flesh, and of HIS bones. The vine, now I see is not the root merely, but all--root, stem, branches, twigs, leaves, flowers, fruit: and JESUS is not only that: HE is soil and sunshine, air and showers, and ten thousand times more than we have ever dreamed, wished for, or needed. Oh, the joy of seeing this TRUTH (Jn 14:6)! I do pray that the eyes of your understanding may be enlightened, that you may know and enjoy the riches freely given us in CHRIST.....
The sweetest part, if one may speak of one part being sweeter than another, is the rest which full identification with CHRIST brings.
I am no longer anxious about anything, as I realize this; for HE, I know, is able to carry
out HIS will, and HIS will is mine. It makes no matter where HE places me, or how. That
is rather for HIM to consider than for me; forin the easiest positions HE must give me
HIS grace, and in the most difficult HISgrace is sufficient."
GOD's grace is indeed sufficient; and the heart that comes to know personally and
intimately the risen LORD JESUS by the outflow of HIS SPIRIT will experience the
reality of "rivers of living water." With Isaiah he will know that "YOU will keep him in
perfect peace whose mind is stayed (focused) on YOU, because he trusts in
Many years after Hudson Taylor's meeting with the LORD JESUS in "the little crowded
house in Chin-kiang," an Anglicanclergyman, the Rev. H.B. Macartney of Melbourne,
Austrilia, added this testimony to that of many others regarding the missionary's possession of the life that is CHRIST.
"He (H.T.) was an object lesson in quietness. He drew from the bank of Heaven every farthing of his daily income--
'MY peace I give unto you.' Whatever did not agitate the SAVIOR, or ruffle HIS spirit, was not to agitate him. The serenity of the LORD JESUS concerning any matter and at its most critical moment, this was his ideal and practical possession. He knew nothing of rush or hurry, of quivering nerves or vexation of spirit. He knew there was a peace that passes all understanding, and that he could not do without it.Now I was altogether different. Mine is a perculiarly nervous disposition, and with a busy life. I found myself in a tremor all day long. I did not enjoy the LORD as I knew I ought. Nervous agitation possessed me as long as there was anything to be done. The greatest loss of my life was the loss of the light of the LORD's presence and fellowship during writing hours. The daily mail robbed me of HIS delightful fellowship.'I am in the study, and you are in the big spare room,' I said to Mr. Taylor at length. 'You are occupied with millions, I with tens. Your letters are pressingly important, mine of comparatively little importance. Yet I am worried and distressed, while you are always calm. Do tell me what makes the difference.'
'My dear Macartney,' he replied, 'the peace you speak of is in my case, more than a delightful privilege, it is a necessity. ' He said it most emphatically, ' I could not possibly get through the work I have to do without the peace of GOD 'which passeth all understanding' keeping my heart and my mind.''Keswick teaching,' as it is called, was not new to me at that time. I had received those glorious truths and was preaching them to others. But here was the real thing--an embodiment of 'Keswick teaching' such as I had never hoped to see. This impressed me profoundly: - here is a man almost 60 years of age, bearing tremendous burdens, yet absolutely calm and unruffled. Oh, the pile of letters! any one of which might contain news of death, of shortness of funds, of riots, or serious trouble. Yet, all were opened, read and answered with the same tranquility -- CHRIST his reason for peace, his power for calm. Dwelling in CHRIST partook of HIS very being and resources, in the midst of and concerning the very matters in question. And he did this by an act of faith as simple as it was continuous.Yet he was delightfully free and natural. I can find no words to describe it save the Scriptural expression "in GOD".He was "in GOD" all the time, and GOD "in him". It was that true "abiding" in John 15."
With good reason could the clergyman add the exhortation to all: 'Are you in a hurry, flurried, or distressed? Look up! See the MAN of GLORY! Let the face of JESUS shine upon you -- the face of the LORD JESUS CHRIST. Is HE worried, troubled, or distressed? There is no wrinkle on HIS brow, no least shade of anxiety. Yet the affairs are HIS as much as yours."
It is the abiding life that is fruitful, just as it is the soul drinking deeply of the water of life that realizes "shall never thirst." The life that is CHRIST is abiding and abounding, it is satisfying and overflowing. Hudson Taylor could not find words more adequate to expressthe truth of the Scriptures as he had proved by experience than in the little booklet by Harriet Beecher Stowe, How to Live on CHRIST, a copy of which he sent to every member of the Mission. In part she stated:
"How does the branch bear fruit? Not by incessant effort for sunshine ond air; not by vain struggles for those vivifying influences which give beauty to the blossom, and verdure to the leaf: it simply abides in the vine, in silent and undisturbed union, and blossoms and fruit appears as a spontaneous growth.
How then, shall a CHRISTian bear fruit? By efforts and struggles to obtain that which is freely given; by meditations on watchfulness, on preyer, on action, on temptation, and on dangers? NO: There must be a full concentration of the thoughts and affections on CHRIST; a complete surrender of the whole being to HIM; a constant looking to HIM for grace. (GOD's R.esources A.t C.hrist's E.xpense).Christians in whom these dispositions are once firmly fixed go on calmly as the infant borne in the arms of its mother.CHRIST reminds them of every duty in its time and place, reproves them for every error, counsels them in every difficulty, excites them to every needful activity.In spiritual as in temporal matters they take no thought for the morrow; for they know CHRIST will be as accessible tomorrow as today, and that time imposes no barrier on HIS love. Their hope and trust rest solely on what HE is willing and able to do for them; on nothing that they suppose themselves able and willing to do for HIM.Their talisman for every temptation and sorrow is their oft-repeated child-like surrender of their whole being to HIM. Such is the "exchanged life," the abiding, fruitful life; the "life that is CHRIST" which should be the possession of every believer.Galatians 2:20 should be, and can be, a glorious reality: "I am crucified with CHRIST: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but CHRIST liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the fleshI live by the faith of the SON of GOD,WHO loved me and gave HIMSELF for me."
"I Guess It's Just YOU and me, LORD"
I guess it's just YOU and me, LORD
the road I thought was mine is blocked,
the door once open now is locked;
the friends I leaned on now are gone...
I look around - I stand alone.
I vowed I'd follow to the end -
So, now, it's just us two, my FRIEND!
I guess it's just YOU and me, LORD.
Alone at night, inside my mind
as sleep I vainly try to find;
I dread another lonely day,
Remind me, LORD, to trust and pray.
For though I've been left on my own,
I'm never really all alone.
I guess it's just YOU and me, LORD.
I thank you that YOU'RE always there,
As close as one faint whispered prayer;
YOU promised that my soul you'll keep -
YOU treasure every tear I weep.
YOU'll show the road YOU'd have me take,
and never leave me, nor forsake.
Yes, it's just YOU and me, LORD.
Despite the trying circumstance,
YOU haven't left my life to chance;
As long as YOU will walk with me,
I know I'll win the victory!
YOUR way I'll choose, YOUR Word I'll heed,
for really, YOU are all I need.
So I can truly say,
With all my heart,
Thank YOU - that for right now,
It's just YOU and me, LORD.
Written by Debi Holski....1991
HEARING GOD'S VOICE
"After the earthquake came a fire...And after the fire came a gentle whisper. ( 1 Kings 19:12)
A woman who had made rapid progress in her understanding of the LORD was once asked the secret of her seemingly easy growth. Her brief response was "Mind the checks." The reason many of us do not know and understand GOD better is that we do not heed HIS gentle "checks"--HIS delicate restraints and constraints. HIS voice is "a gentle whisper." A whisper can hardly be heard, so it must be felt as a faint and steady pressure upon the heart and mind, like the touch of a morning breeze calmly moving across the soul. And when it is heeded, it quietly grows clearer in the inner ear of the heart.GOD's voice is directed to the ear of love, and true love is intent upon hearing even the faintest whisper. Yet there comes a time when HIS love ceases to speak, when we do not respond to or believe HIS message. "GOD is love (1 John 4:8), and if you want to know HIM and HIS voice, you must continually listen to HIS gentle touches.So when you are about to say something in conversation with others, and you sense a gentle restraint from HIS quiet whisper, heed the restraint and refrain from speaking. And when you are about to pursue some course of action that seems perfectly clear and right, yet you sense in your spirit another path being suggested with the force of quiet conviction, heed that conviction. Follow the alternate course, even if the change of plans appears to be absolute folly from the perspective of human wisdom. Also learn to wait on GOD until HE unfolds HIS will before you. Allow HIM to develop all the plans of your heart and mind and then let HIM accomplish them.
Do not possess any wisdom of your own, for often HIS performance will appear to contradict the plan HE gave you. GOD will seem to work against HIMSELF, so simply listen, obey and trust HIM, even when it appears to be the greatest absurdity to do so. Ultimately, "we know that in all things GOD works for the good of those who love HIM" (Romans 8:28), but many times, in the initial stages of the performance of HIS plans: In HIS OWN world HE is content to play a losing game. Therefore if you desire to know GOD's voice, never consider the final outcome or the possible results. Obey HIM even when HE asks you to move while you still see only darkness, for HE HIMSELF will be a glorious light within you.Then there will quickly spring up a knowledge of GOD and a fellowship with HIM, which will be overpowering enough in themselves to hold you and HIM together,even in the most severe tests and under the strongest pressures of life."from Way of Faith.....copied from Streams In the Desert ....Oct 3
FROM THOSE WHO SHARE THE SAME SCAR
The brokenness of a life in shambles,
The hurt, the sorrow, the unnecessary gambles.
Trying to cover all the shame,
On the inside, hiding the pain.
Drowning the suffering to try to survive
Wearing a mask of selfish pride.
Past offenses buried deep within,thinking that no one can ever see them.
But, like pieces of glass concealed beneath the earth,one by one they begin to surface.
It's quite unsettling to feel so exposed,but
THE LORD knows every story untold.
HE will help you work out the pieces of the past,
and you will find amazing relief at last.
Together, sorting through the fragments of grief,
in order to create the most beautiful masterpiece.
COUNTERFIET LOVES IN MARRIAGE
There are many expressions of love in marriage, some genuine and some counterfeit. Dr. Les Parrott effectively describes
the counterfeit styles of love in his book Love's Unseen Enemy (Zondervan Publishers). Each style has several characteristics.
Unfortunately, some people equate marital love with being a pleaser. Pleasers are persons who are dominated and guided
by their emotions. They do the right things for the wrong reasons. They do loving things rather than being loving persons.Pleasers
have this overwhelming need to please. It's as though they live to make people happy. As you watch them, they appear to be
conscientious and feel comfortable. They go out of their way to make others --especially their partners--feel comfortable. They're
especially good at remembering to do the little things others overlook. They're approachable and agreeable, and when asked to
do something they usually do more than they're supposed to do, and they do it with a warm smile.But these acts of love aren't
voluntary; they're compulsive.Such people feel personally responsible for the happiness of others.If their partners are unhappy, they
feel guilty. They're driven to do too much so they will feel better. In a marriage they may end up feeling used. And....most pleasers
tend to be women.Pleasers are the givers of life.Hundreds of husbands and wives constantly give and give and give, but not
because of love.It is because of guilt or because they meet some of their own needs by giving.They need to give to others in order to
feel good about themselves.
It is like being hooked on helping. They become "helpaholics."Pleasers try to avoid being receivers. When they must receive, they
feel uneasy and guilty, and they begin thinking of ways to repay.Pleasers have a performance mentality. They must do things right
away,and they want to look good. They need approval from their partners in order to keep their guilt under control. They live for the
applause.They also live with a fear of failure.But this is not a healthy, Biblical way to love another person.Pleasers believe they're
responsible for their spouses' well-being and happiness.It reminds me of a rescuer, a self-appointed lifeguard.But the ones they
tend to rescue aren't drowning.To pleasers, self-denial is not a means to an end, but an end in and of itself.But this makes loving
behavior no longer loving. They turn into martyrs and in the process,may drive others away. This in turn makes them feel more
guilt so they try harder, which pushes others away even more. I've seen this happen again and again in marriages, and yet pleasers
can't understand the negative effects of their behavior. Pleasers are some of the great conflict avoiders of the world. They defer, give
in, say yeswhen no is more appropriate, and allow wrong to continue. But they do have limits.If pushed or cornered into conflict,
they eithergive in or blame themselvesor erupt like a volcano because they're so unskilled in resolved conflicts.In marriage,
pleasers live for their partner's affections , holding on to any small measure they can get. But they also expect their partners to know
what they want or need without ever telling them. Can you even imaginepleasers expressing what they need to their partners? Not
really! Any withdrawal or diminishing of intimacy on the part of their partners is a disaster.Time after time I have seen the same
scenario played out in my office. The pleasing spouse sits there andsays, ' I just don't understand it. I love him so much and I try to
please...Yet it seems that the more I try to please, the more I seem topush him away from me.'It's true. The partner felt smothered and
constricted.One husband married to a pleaser told me, 'It makesme sick. I wish she had more backbone and would stand up to me.
Let's have some conflict.I'm tired of having a 'yes' person for aspouse.'Pleasers tend to create some of the very problems they
wish to avoid.
acceptance, but they certainly try to get it in different ways. Pleasers yield power to others in their desire to loved, but controllers
take over and take charge to gain the respect of others.A pleaser has an overabundance of sympathy but very little objectivity.
The controller, being just the opposite, has a great amount of objectivity but doesn't know the first thing about sympathy. Controllers
are very analytical. Even though this helps them understand the needs of others, the purpose is usually to gain control over them.
Controllers can usually be identified by seven characteristics of how they relate to others.
a rolling of the eyes, or a gesture. Any mistake is noticed and used to guide the erring spouse into line with the controller's agenda.
3. Emotion is absent from their lives. This helps to create marriages in which their partners end up starving for closeness and
intimacy (see pt 7). The emotional bonding that is necessary for a healthy relationship fails to happen. And all too often,
controlling kills their spouses' love.
4. They are inept at expressing loving behavior. What may appear to be graciousness, politeness, kindness, or even being very
sociable has a purpose in mind--to take control of the other person. Having love as an end result has no real meaning, but using
love as a means to an end makes sense to them. If they show interest in another person, it's for a purpose. Their partners end up
5. Rules, rules,and more rules is their way of life. And the more rigid the better they are. There is a right way to do things--it's their
way, and it's the only way. They know what's best for others and will orchestrate their lives.
6. Their style of communication is demanding in words, intent, and tone. They're bottom-line people who cut right to the heart of a
it very difficult to develop intimacy in a marriage, especially when an overly dominant controller's partner is overly submissive.
overwhelmed by the other person. There is a lack of mutuality in the marriage."
What Makes Counseling Biblical?
For centuries mankind has been searching for explanations and solutions to the complex problems of living in a fallen world. Man's
search for ways to explain and to "cope" with his complex problems produced many interesting and often conflicting theories such
as:1) Man is basically good and is able to live up to his potential2) Man has been victimized by his conscience, leaving
him insecure and in need of re-socialization3)Man is just a high-level animal who has been conditioned by his
environment and needs to be re-programmed.4) Man's basic problem is a lack of self-esteem and an inability to love himself. These
are only a few of the most popular theories currently being used in the counseling field. All of these theories are predictably contrary
to GOD's Word since they have been devised by man operating outside the DIVINE revelation of GOD (1Cor2:14).Depending on the
BibleIs it necessary to turn to these worldly counseling theories and techniques to solve problems of living? Isn't it possible that
understanding and overcoming life's problems can be accomplished by applying Bible Truths? ( Ps 33:10, "THE LORD brings the
counsel of the nations (heathen) to nothing (frustration)...11) The counsel of THE LORD stands forever, the plans of HIS heart to all
generations.") Isn't it possible that understanding and overcoming life's problems can be accomplished by applying Biblical Truth?
(John 14:6, "JESUS said to him, ' I AM THE WAY, THE TRUTH, and THE LIFE. No man comes to THE FATHER except through ME.';
John 8:32, 'And you shall know THE TRUTH (JESUS) and THE TRUTH (JESUS) shall make you free. 36) And if THE SON makes
you free, you shall be free indeed.'The Bible Itself states that the truths contained within It are entirely sufficient to enable a person to
live a life pleasing to GOD. (2Pet 1:3-4) It provides all the needed principles and guidance for our mental processes, analyzing our
emotional responses and exercising control over our behavior. The laws, testimonies, precepts, commandments, judgements, and
principles in the Old and New Testaments provide the only authoritative guide for man's thoughts, words, and actions. (Ps 19:7-14;
Heb 4:12)Developing Biblical HabitsIn counseling that is true to GOD's Word, a Biblical counselor will collect enough information to
confront the failures and shortcomings of their personal lives from a Biblical point of view (Matt 7:1-5). In doing this, they should begin
to see the necessity of turning their focus away from their own desires (1Cor 5:14-15; Gal 5:17-21; James 4:1-3) and
effective, both the counselor and the counselee must be deeply committed to the LORDship of JESUS CHRIST and the authority
of GOD's Word. They must be continually committed to 'walk in a manner worthy of THE LORD, to please HIM in all respects,
bearing fruits in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of GOD. (Col 1:10). This commitment will change a person's focus
from loving self to a focus on loving GOD and loving others in response to GOD's gracious love demonstrated in CHRIST JESUS.
(Matt 18:21-35; Rom 5:8; Col 1:11-12)Constant Application of Biblical PrinciplesEven if the counselee has little or no concept of a
Biblical relationship with GOD and a limited knowledge of what is meant by a sincere commitment to CHRIST, Biblical Counseling
can be extremely effective. As the Biblical Counselor continually focuses the counselee's attention on the authority and sufficiency of
Scripture and explores the counselee's problems from a Biblical standpoint, the necessity for a wholehearted commitment to
CHRIST will be repeatedly presented.As the counselee begins to views this problems from a Biblical standpoint, he will begin to
his spouse, or on any other external circumstance. A discouraged or despondent counselee can gain great hope as he learns from
Scripture that GOD's peace and joy can be his as he depends solely on his relationship with GOD through JESUS CHRIST
(John 14:27; 16:53)Any changes that a counselee makes must be done in order to please GOD and not to gratify himself or please
his parents, spouse, or anyone else (2Cor 5:9;15; Col 1:10; 1Thess 2:4,6) This requires a commitment to obey GOD's Word and
not to depend on or be ruled by his feelings, regardless or how strong or persuasive they may be (2Cor 5:14-15; Gal 5:16-17).
Biblical truth is not only verifiable, but is also effective in every part of the world. in all age groups, and in all levels of society. Biblical
principles are based on the inerrant Word of GOD which transcends all man-made distinctions between people. Problems Can Be
OvercomeWhile trials and tribulations are a part of life, GOD has a purpose for all of them(Romans 5:3-5; 8:28; James 1:2-4). No
matter what difficulties arise, GOD has promised that a believer in CHRIST can be an overcomer in every situation (Rom. 8:35-37;
1Corinthians 10:13; 1John 5:4-5) as he responds in obedience to GOD's Word (James 1:25). Even though obedience to GOD may
not be easy (Rom 7:18-19), it can be done as a response of love for what JESUS CHRIST has accomplished for a believer
(John 14:15; Romans 6; 1John 5:3; 2John 1:6). Following the example of our LORD JESUS CHRIST, a child of GOD is to remain
obedient even during times of suffering (Hebrews 5:8; 1Peter 2:20-21), looking beyond present circumstances to the glory that will
be revealed (Rom 8:18; 2 Cor 4:16-18).Today there is a crucial need in the body of CHRIST to return to the exclusive use of GOD's
contained in the courses of study prepared by the Biblical Counseling Foundation (BCF) are based solely on the Word of GOD and
not on human assumptions, opinions, experiences, theories, or any other secular philosophies."Copied from "Self-Confrontation"
Manual by Biblical Counseling Foundation in hopes of encouraging you to purchase and apply the principles in the
If you would like more resources, they are avilable upon request.